In our age group we’re starting to have a lot of issues transitioning into our adult lives and I’m sure you can understand where I’m coming from when I say that some days I don’t even know what I am. I work in a mostly all white office in a company. When I first got there , I had weave in and it was just coming out of winter so I had a lighter complexion. I had a pretty warm welcoming and the first months were pretty ok. Towards the summer , I got darker, naturally , and I decided to do my hair with long braids…  not only was I met with borderline racist remarks from clients and bosses about it and Africa , I got twice the work and as soon as I took them out and switched back to weave and lightened up a bit all of a sudden I was one of them again. Today I wore my hair in a natural style and was very apprehensive about it and this is a problem. I don’t understand why I second guess being myself . It even hurts when people ask if I am from some African or Caribbean country etc or any say any African related terms of endearment because since I’m constantly struggling with the negative stereotypes behind it (and some other off-topic reasons),I take it as an insult.  I find myself wishing I was more mixed with some other race just so I could fly under the radar a little more . The lighter and prettier you are the farther you go with the least amount of effort and following that logic , I know I would get more or better jobs and opportunities if I had lighter skin or maybe mixed hair or something and its unfortunate. I should love myself for who I am and live my life as I was born , not trying to look like someone else just to get ahead. Why is being yourself so hard these days?   I used to be somewhat comfortable with my skin and hair. Now we have the ability to change everything about us , weave , eyelashes ,cosmetic surgery , skin bleaching , liposuction , you name it . How do I get back to loving me in a world that benefits more when I don’t?

- Vegas

Dear Beautiful Brown Girl,

It really saddened me to read what you are going through and how it is making you feel. Especially because I do know you, and when I first saw you thought to myself, and to you-that you were a pretty girl and I admired your tenacity and ambition. You are a huge supporter of FBG and I appreciate that. Seeming to be so confident and driven, I wouldn’t have imagined that you weren’t completely in love with yourself, because you definitely projected it.

But to answer your question, you’ve got it all wrong! The world as a whole does not “benefit” in any way when we darker skinned girls are down. I don’t even want to use that word but the only ones who may “benefit” from you feeling down are the people who make you feel that way and they may get that satisfaction only for a second. They get that satisfaction when you accept their views about you and/or conform to who they want you to be. DON’T give them the satisfaction. Do not wish you were lighter. That is not true, girl! Just as many girls get jobs because of their talent, hard work and determination. Look it up!- There are plenty of dark-skinned successful women that we can look up to and be inspired by. As a matter of fact, a lot of girls who feel insecure try to balance out their insecurities by excelling in whatever they are talented at. Whether that be being the best doctor in their region or excelling at being a professional dancer. Those in the world who have an ignorant, racist mentality are missing out on knowing great people, for one and what that ultimately says about themselves is they have some things to work out within. How you treat others is a reflection of how you feel about YOURSELF. Tell your co-workers THAT! And if you are getting a heavier workload, that for sure is a problem. I would change jobs or if it was me, start a blog or a movement. Make this a social experiment, take surveys- tell them about themselves (in an appropriate way)! You say when you put in weave, they act nicer? That is ridiculous! This is not fair at all. I can feel your frustration. Don’t let it sit. Do something about it. For sure, don’t conform! You are beautiful.

So how do you get back to loving you? Well for one, I can assure you that there a lot of people who will love, accept and embrace you for being you. Not all white people are uncomfortable with your image. You are currently in an environment where you can only see those who don’t. There is a movement going on and I don’t know of you’ve seen it but black women everywhere are accepting their shades, hair textures and sizes, and proclaiming it to the world! It is a beautiful thing.  I would suggest you do the same with no hesitation and even if you don’t believe it just yet, soon you will and the people around you will too.Get to know and talk to women you admire, who seem to already have this “loving yourself” thing down pat. Be around other positive people and it will rub off on you. Read articles online about women who may have gone through the same thing in the workplace. How did they cope? Do things you love and reflect on what makes you, you. Figure out the things you like about yourself and own it. When you really own it, no one will be able to take that away. I hope this helps & if you still need to talk I am here to help you in any way I can !

MUCH LOVE,

- Kay

*If you have any words of wisdom or encouraging words for Vegas, please share them!*